This one time, in the hospital...

Rather than tell everyone what happened a million different times, I'll just sum it up here:

WARNING: ANNIE, DO NOT READ THIS. IT IS NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH OF STOMACH. CALL ME, AND I WILL TELL YOU AN EDITED VERSION. I REPEAT, ANNIE, DO NOT READ THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I was teaching my sixth graders and suddenly my stomach started burning. By the end of the day, I was puking in the parking lot. I don't really know how to describe it... "churning" is the word that comes to mind, though I'm not sure why. I just kept on hurling, it wouldn't stop. The worst thing was, I ate my mom's lasagna for lunch, so clearly it wasn't food poisoning, because my mom's a better cook than half the people on Food Network.

The worst part, by far, was my last chunk of teaching. Literary magazine and running are the only classes I teach where there's no one else near me, so I was just terrified that if I needed to puke, I'd have to throw up in my mouth and slyly spit it into the trash can. I couldn't leave the students, clearly.

Oh God and running? I gave them a time trial, and when they asked why I wasn't running, I said I was analyzing their gaits. True, if by analyzing gaits I actually meant trying not to ralph all over the gym floor.

Anyway, I called my doctor when it hadn't stopped after 5 hours, and she said to call an ambulance. Of course, I thought that was ridiculous. I mean, there were probably people who actually needed ambulances, so clearly I wasn't going to occupy one. I figured I'd tough it up.

Then came the blood.

For those of you who have never had the pleasure, throwing up blood is probably one of the scariest things in the world, and I've been through some scary shit. I will now take the time to make a list of the few things that are scarier than throwing up blood:

1. bleeding out your ears (which means you probably have a spinal or brain injury)
2. the scene in the Jack@ss movie when they give themselves papercuts between their fingers and toes
3. moldy cheese
4. being completely irrelevant

Anyway, when that happened, I made a mental note to buy extra whitening toothpaste and called a cab. Interesting note: cabs aren't supposed to take you to the hospital if you're sick, because of liability, I assume. When I requested to have a cab sent to my apartment to take me to the Emergency Room of Beth Israel, the man was skeptical. I insisted that I was visiting my sister (I don't have a sister), and to my surprise, he actually asked me questions!

What do you do when that happens?

Wait a second, on what planet does that ACTUALLY HAPPEN?

Well, in my case, it was a Tuesday, so with House MD still fresh in my mind, I responded, "Lupus." Questioning ceased.

Looking back, I must have looked like a wreck. I wore pajamas, because I figured if I wore clothes I'd just have to take them off anyway, and before I could fill out paperwork I had already thrown up three more times. I was given a complimentary bucket. I still have it. I did not actually throw up in the bucket. I missed. Oops.

So, the ER is actually much nicer than it appears on TV, although the doctors weren't nearly as attractive. I got hooked up to IVs and given lots of fluids (weird word, fluids), anti-nausea meds, and they stuck weird things all over me and put me in machines and then, I realized the unthinkable.

In real life, McDreamy has grey hair.

So sad.

But still so hot.

I will say one thing though. Asking the doctors all about their love lives is a great way to pass the time. That is one of the true elements of Grey's Anatomy.

Oh God, and my mother was of course, going nuts. I told them not to come, because I was fine, and to their credit, they did wait about three hours before my mother decided that since she was going to be on the phone with me every ten minutes anyway, she may as well drive down there.

I would have been fine, but thanks guys. Your witty banter helped considerably. And walking the mile to the 24-hour pharmacy in Copley (since I got out at like, 2) would've sucked.

So, hopefully at some point in my life, I will get an iron-clad immune system and avoid situations like these. They always say the first few years of teaching are the hardest on your body, and I'm now positive that's true. No hard feelings, students. It was pretty clear where the point of origin of the illness was (the name is too confusing to remember. Gastronanahanawhatawhosasomething). I compared IV bruises and tape marks with my students two days later, and my God, the only thing worse than throwing up blood as an adult has got to be throwing up blood as a twelve-year-old. My poor girls. And maybe boys, too, who knows who's caught it by now.

So, I came out of the situation bruised and with a free bucket. And two fewer sick days. Oh well. I guess they exist for a reason.

So, I should really stop starting every paragraph with "so," because that's redundant and unnecessary.

Loveyouall,
LW