Why I'm PUMPED for Les Mis

I have so much to do I can barely function. Instead of doing any of it, I'm going to write this.

1. Russell Crowe as evil inspector Javert? PERFECT. He is just so perfectly mean smarmy gross dirty calculating evil. He even LOOKS icky. 
2. Anne Hathaway as Fantine = perfect. She can do anything in my eyes. Plus, she has this very earnest, honest face, all smooth lines and pale. She looks as I'd imagine Fantine to look. 
3. Amanda Seyfried as grown Cossette. YES. When I saw she was in it, I was terrified that she was playing Eponine, which would be awful, because Amanda Seyfried is too sweet. She has those big, open eyes that even made her idiotic character in Mean Girls seem endearing. She's lovely. She can sing. She can hold her own next to Channing Tatum. That is unrelated, but oh well. Cossette is a character that's complicated. You have to simultaneously want to be her, save her, and pity her. Seyfried can pull it off. 
4. Hugh Jackman is hot, and not pretty boy hot. Perfect. 
5. Sacha Baron Cohen as Thenardier? Win. He'll be creepy perfect evil. Hopefully, he'll actually disappear into the role, which would be just as cool. 
6. Helena Bonham Carter as Th's wife. She has proven time and time again that she can do evil wench. I rest my case. 
7. Anne Hathaway's voice doesn't have too much vibrato, which is actually a nice change. I wish more people sounded like Norah Jones. The British broadway revival from a while back was so full of vibrato I was bored. 
8. There is never enough Les Mis. Make it. Remake it. Wait five years. Do it again. 

I can't wait. I was raised on Les Mis. My mother played the soundtrack during my entire childhood. When my father and I saw it in London it was an existential experience. I await the day when I can add a new version of the soundtrack to my already excessive collection. 

NOTE: For those of you who are new to Les Mis, googled it, and are reading the synopsis skeptically, allow me to reassure you of one thing. Within the context of the story, it totally makes sense that Valjean goes to jail for 6 years for stealing bread. Yes, it's f-ing ridiculous, but once you're into the story, you can suspend disbelief. It won't seem at all odd. 

Dear Selena Gomez

Dear Selena Gomez,

Your 50 Shades of Grey parody is hilarious. I knew it would be. For a rich, annoying little Disney star who says things like, "I don't work out, I'm just genetically blessed," you have decent comedic timing.

Sidenote: Never, ever say that again. First of all, your time will come. It happens to all the girls who could eat like horses without consequences. Second of all, you're dating the Biebs. Don't you have enough haters? Think about your safety, little one. 

Seriously though, what the hell were you thinking? Did you forget that your fan base consists largely of adolescents? Did it not occur to you that YOU making a parody would instantly bring this book series onto their mascara-smudged radar?

Until now, our students have remained ignorant to the smoldering ways of Christian Grey, and their ignorance has been our bliss. You see, Selena, few things are sacred in this media saturated society. Our kids can find anything on the internet. They are also often unsupervised, because their parents are working multiple jobs. Who can blame them? If it comes down to feeding your children and making sure they aren't traumatized by that scene from season two of True Blood where all the citizens of Bon Temp go apeshit and sodomize each other with various root vegetables, well... You have to feed your kid, as terrifying as that sounds.

Truthfully, it sucks. Nothing is off-limits. They read Perez Hilton. They watch dozens of R movies. Today, one of my seventh grade boys was wearing a shirt that said, "Fangtasia," and I didn't even have to play it cool because we've already had the conversation. You know the one: Yes, I'm a grown up. Yes, I have a life outside of school that involves shorts that are shorter than bermudas, and sometimes I watch TV shows and movies that I wouldn't use as reference points in class discussions. No, I will not comment on most areas of this life, because even though I teach you to write narrative, there are boundaries. Because the world sucks, this conversation was over and done with in October. I wish I'd never had to have it. Do you see why this is frustrating? I can't even have my way past creepy giant hot blonde Swede fictional vampire obsession to myself.

But Christian Grey? He fell in their blind spot. No one knew about his twitchy palm. And now they do.  Or they will. And that's your fault.

Maybe you can help me out. How do I answer their questions? Here is a list of things they might ask. If you would, please type out a grammatically flawless response, organized in paragraphs by main idea.

1. What is a twitchy palm?
2. Do my parents have a sex contract?
3. Is this at all related to the Rihanna song S&M?
4. What is a butt plug?
5. How do vibrators work?
6. What's an hard limit?
7. You can get a shot instead of taking a pill for birth control? What other kinds of birth control are there?
8. What are cable ties?

Please respond as soon as possible. I anticipate backlash from your impulsive decision will be immediate, widespread, and awkward.

Love,
Pissed Off Teacher