I should begin by explaining that I'm an accomplished procrastinator. Trust me you've never seen anything like it. Before you go so far as to THINK you're in my league, I'll remind you that I pulled my first all-nighter at age 12 because on the night before a history essay was due, I needed to spend 5 hours in the kitchen mixing ingredients until I found the perfect combination to dye my white-lined paper to look like it had been around since the historical time period I was writing it about. If you point out that the previous sentence is a horrific run-on, I will deploy my loyal army of 12-year-old girls who will scream Justin Bieber songs outside your house in lieu of an attack. So don't.
Part of being an incredible procrastinator is being flexible and able to think outside of the box. Which is where the pudding comes into play.
I love pudding. I always have. I even love tapioca pudding, despite the fact that as far as I know, scientists have yet to find conclusive evidence proving what's in it, and thus it might be made of miniature eyeballs. I don't care. I guess I like eyeballs in my pudding. I just love pudding that much.
Obviously, I have Jello instant pudding in my house. Obviously, I do not have milk. So after I sulked for twenty minutes, I decided to take the next logical step: Start texting people with "I LOVE PUDDING."
I'm not really sure what happened next. It's all a blur. It's like I blacked out and when I woke up, I was having detailed text conversations with twenty five people about pudding. I just learned how to copy/paste on my phone (don't say it, because I already agree with you: It shouldn't be called a smart phone if the person using it is an idiot and can't use it) and this only fueled the fire. Every time I thought of something awesome to say, I texted it to EVERYONE. Which led to 25 people receiving the following texts:
BYOP
Bring Your Own Pudding
What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?
My friends and family members... God love them, they all rolled with it.
Amanda, innocent autocorrect victim (Join us on the droid side)
AMANDA: I love pudding.
LEAH: I know.
AMANDA: Pussy is awesome.
AMANDA: PUDDING PUDDING PUDDING
Leah's Bro
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?
LEAH'SBRO: I would say that I'd be there.
SPANDEX/CHRIS, epitome of all things awesome and future cofounder of Anti-Pants Coalition
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation? Besides show up in spandex, as is your custom.SPANDEX: Rice, or tapioca? Don't you DARE say butterscotch.
SPANDEX: Yeah... to answer your question I'd probably write something inappropriate on the event page.
LEAH: Pudding is excellent.
SPANDEX: That's a fact. Tell me something I don't know.
Emma, my soul sister, my wife in polygamous marriage to our boxing coach Big Tom and Joseph Pilates and Alexander Skarsgard and a variety of other men we've never met most of whom are actually alive though really.
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?EMMA/SOULSISTER: Come to the party and think you are the best. And make you awesome hippie pudding.
I LOVE YOU EMMA. I want hippie muffins too. DUCK YEAH.
Ali, who will always be more of a badass than me, BUT I'M TRYING :)
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?ALI: I would bring chocolate with a vanilla swirl.
Meet my consultant father, who's quick to call in the experts:
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?
LEAH'SDAD: Call a doctor.
LEAH: No seriously.
LEAH'SDAD: Chocolate or call mom.
Meet my mom, who was clearly too busy to accomodate my pudding whims
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?
LEAH'SMOM: 7tytk.a
(She is still working on her texting skills).
This conversation takes the pudding. Let's give it up for bodybuilder Danielle!
LEAH: BYOP. Bring Your Own Pudding. What would you do if I had a party and put that on the invitation?
DANIELLE: I'd bring protein pudding, my new fav snack, and make pudding shots. One extreme to the next lol.
LEAH: I love you.
DANIELLE: When's the party?
At this point, it becomes real...
LEAH: Late September.
DANIELLE: Gotcha. I'm pumped for pudding. Every time I eat it I wonder what it is...?
LEAH: OMG, this is my favorite convo ever.
DANIELLE: Like, how do you make it from scratch without Jello mix?
LEAH: I have no idea. Maybe it's like the sun. Another state of matter entirely. Not a solid or liquid or gas. PLASMA!
DANIELLE: What is it? Milk sugar eggs flour vanilla cocoa heat it on stove or something.
LEAH: Plus magic. And sorcery.
DANIELLE: Absolutely because those ingredients also make cookies and this isn't a cookie.
As a result of all of this nonsense, I have
a) spent 2 hours not doing work
b) laughed so hard that my abs are in serious pain
c) jumped on my bed in glee
d) tentatively scheduled a pudding party for late September
I call that a win.
XO-LKW
PS: I WANT TO GO TO STORYVILLE SATURDAY NIGHT. SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
