Things I hate dealing with

"How do I fit all the stuff I need in the shower?" 

There's just no good answer to this, and it's so tedious to try. No shower-holding-stuff-thingy is really a solution. They all either take up too much space, are ergonomically despicable, cause a mildewy water nightmare, or fall down. Leaving stuff in a cabinet is also not an option, because as a woman, you never know when you'll need that special exfoliaty cinnamony goodness body scrub that's too expensive to use every day but 100% necessary once in a while. You can't really know until you're in the shower, and then you just get a feeling and you're soaping your body with the loofa, an undeniable, "Ohh, it's time." By then it's too late. You have to do the "Jump out of the shower, hop across the bathroom, try not to murder yourself or make a huge mess in the process of grabbing it out of the cabinet" dance, which rarely ends well. No matter how low-key you are in the shower, there are still more items required than space in there. Fail.


"OMG I'm blocked in!" 

This sucks too. We have a lovely driveway with two garage spots and about 4 behind them, give or take, and it's such a pain in the ass. I thought we were in the clear when our downstairs neighbors told me they didn't own any cars, but no, that would've been too easy. They may not have cars, but their rich friends do, and of course their rich friends cars are registered in the states their rich parents live in, so they don't have Massachusetts plates, and they don't have resident parking stickers. Plus, one of them just got a brand new BMW from dad yesterday, of course without Massachusetts plates. I might not have a BMW, but I do have a Rav-4 that I love to fucking death because I bought it myself (well, it will be mine in August 2014), and a job that's so stressful that I really can't emotionally handle waking up early enough to yell at people to move their cars or shovel snow off mine. I want the garage spot, and I want no one behind me. She's the sweetest thing in the world and I don't judge her for having parents that bought her a brand new BMW at age 20 (I do, however, judge her parents... What are you thinking people? How is she going to learn how to work for anything if you give it all to her? What message are you sending?).

I have a plan, and I'll implement it, and she'll get on board whether she likes it or not, but I resent even having to deal with it. It would be better if somehow, this was not an issue. As for the random BC boy who parks in the driveway to sleep over at our downstairs neighbors' house... Well, a) You drive a Jeep, so already I judge you less than BMW girl, and b) You've been good about getting your ass out of the door within 30 seconds of me banging on it at 6:30 a.m. In the event that this changes, I'll have your overprivileged ass towed.

"OMG my hot pants smell SO BAD." 

I own obscenely priced British exercise pants that claim to combat cellulite. They do get rid of water weight, which obviously comes back, but what works for real is the fact that they raise the surface temperature of your skin so much. My legs look better, legit. Say what you want, but it's true. The issue, however, is the smell. It's a heinous, oceany smell that never quite goes away, regardless of how many times you wash them in the CSC lockerroom and then almost murder yourself by putting them in the swimsuit dryer because they are far too big. You can try to keep the smell to a minimum, and trust me, it helps, but not enough. During boxing Wednesday, I was complaining mentally about this God-awful odor when I realized it was coming from me.. More specifically, my hot pants. I don't intend to stop wearing them. I don't intend to apologize for the Eau de Sweaty Ocean Grime that follows me through the gym. But I do intend to complain constantly, and this is my first step.


"Leah, once you stop looking for a guy you'll find one." 

My dear friends that say this are wonderful people, and I love you all dearly, but please shut the fuck up. This is the most unhelpful thing to hear when you're single. I'm not saying I need to be married, stat. I'm not saying I need a man to complete me or some shit. I'm awesome as I am. But I'd like someone awesome in my life, and when you say this to me, it makes me want to scream.

Emma said it best.. that logic is flawed in every single situation, so why would it apply here? Once you stop looking for a job, you'll find one? Once you stop looking for the perfect pair of grey suede slouchy boots, you'll find them? You wouldn't tell someone to stop trying as a way to make something happen. If you want to lose weight, you KEEP TRYING. If you want to be happy, you KEEP TRYING. If you want to find something to watch on TV, you KEEP CHANNEL SURFING. Duh.

You might argue that when you stop looking for something you lost, you find it (like car keys), but really, you don't stop looking. You just take a break. It's not like you decide "Okay, I give up, I'll just never drive my car again, I'm good, YAY MBTA!" You say, "Okay, I'm going to stop looking for now, and hopefully they'll turn up." But "hopefully they'll turn up" means "I'm still looking, just not as hard, and I still want the same result." So your argument is invalid.

Also, I think I speak for all people in my situation when I say that I know what you actually mean. You actually mean, "You're scaring off dudes by appearing too eager, like you're trying too hard, and no one wants someone who gives off that vibe." That's totally true... when you're 17. We've moved past that. When you're 17, you don't realize that you look desperate. It takes less than a year to make that realization. We're not morons.

So you might ask me, "What should we say instead?" Here's what we want:

1. Actual explanations. If I've been spending all my time at shitty bars and wondering why wonderful men don't appear, tell me that I'm not going to find my one true love at The Kells (RIP).

2. Setups. Whore me out to the men in your life who are single and cool. I don't care how ridiculously setups fail, try. At the very least, it makes a good story. Plus, then you're being proactive. Plus, my parents met on a blind date, and they are disgustingly in love God knows how many years later.

3. Create social situations that are conducive to me meeting men. Throw parties. Invite lots of nice people you know out to a bar. Up the chances. It's hard to meet people. Seriously.

4. Wingman/woman. If you're not sure how this works, talk to my friend Jen. She is the world's best wingwoman.

5. Liquor. Buy me drinks, fool. Your boyfriend/fiance/husband is probably buying most of yours, so take the money you save and BUY SOME FOR MY BROKE ASS. I thank you in advance.

6. Be honest. I'd rather hear, "That sucks, I'm sorry," than "Stop looking and you'll find him!" any day.


"Can I help you? What are you here for today? What are you looking for? What's your name? How are you? Can I help you look for something specific? How can I help? What are you looking for? Hello? Can you hear me? How are you? How are you doing today? Can I help you find something?" 

I hate overzealous salespeople. If I'm in a store, I want to be left alone. If I have questions, I'll ask you. If I want to know how I look in something, I'll ask you. If I need a second opinion, or someone to tell me it's not really that slutty, I'LL ASK YOU, so get off my ass. I promise you, bugging me is not going to help your conversions.


"I'm dressed as me!" 

You might not take Halloween or theme parties seriously, but I do. If you didn't want to come to my party in costume, why did you bother coming at all? There are plenty of other social opportunities for you to choose from. So why'd you come?

Halloween is the worst, because  you can go to a store and spend money on a costume that is 100% pre-made. You don't have to be artistic. You don't have to do any hard work. You can let someone else do it for you and reap the drunk benefits. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Exception: If you're too tired, or feeling uncreative, and you show up at my party and say, "Leah, I am your blank canvas. Do what you want with me." I am okay with it. As long as you're okay with whatever I turn you into. Hehehe... Evil laugh.