There is a sale on tiny skirts at the Arsenal Mall. When I told this to a guy friend, he asked if I subscribed to a slutty skirt newsletter. After I was done being pissed that there ISN'T one (HOW MUCH TIME WOULD THAT SAVE?) I explained how I found out: 6 people texted me about it. Literally. Six. Which brings me to the subject of this blog:
Things people feel the immediate need to inform me about via text message:
1. Leah, I saw a sale on tiny skirts.
The way I see it, miniature skirts are the closest you can come to not wearing pants at all in public. I am known for these skirts. I have been known for these skirts since I was 14 years old.
Related Sidenote: Thank you, LHS, for having no dress code. This not only nurtured my love of tiny skirts and spaghetti straps, it taught me how to concentrate with cleavage in my face, which is helpful in my line of work. As a teacher. Of teenagers. Although today I did have to lay down the law. These words were spoken: "Male, female, gay, straight bi, it doesn't matter: No one can think straight when there is that much skin showing."
2. Leah, I found iappropriate photos of Alexander Skarsgard surfaced on the internet.
Everyone knows of my beyond excessive obsession with True Blood. Everyone knows that between the months of June and... June, I eat, sleep, and breathe True Blood. Just now, I checked 3 spoiler websites for what character Christopher Meloni will be playing in Season 5. Right, now, I'm picturing him as Stabler, trying to investigate murders with Andy Bellfleur. In these investigations, Stabler takes his shirt off, Andy does V, and Jason Stackhouse stares vacantly at the landscape. Everyone knows that the only reason I went as Pam for Halloween last year is because despite my love of theme parties, I make a terrible dude. I figured going as his progeny was the next best thing. Suffice it to say that when there is ASkars news, I am informed multiple times. I'm not going to elaborate on the pictures, because that would rob you of the experience. Google "Alexander Skarsgard hot." You're welcome. Yeah, sorry I killed your productivity for the next 3 hours. And used up all the ink in your printer. Oops.
3. Leah, the Backstreet Boys did.. pretty much anything.
Ever since my Dear Nick Carter letter was published, the remaining 5 people on the planet that did not know were informed: I still love the Backstreet Boys. And since watching Blue Bloods, I also love New Kids on the Block. I know... I did that in the wrong order... but I'm too young to be an authentic New Kids fan.
When the Backstreet Boys were in town, I knew (and bought tickets). When there was a groupon for their tour/boat/situation, I knew. People who hadn't talked to me in years let me know about that one.
Sidenote: I don't buy Groupons for music. I use them for the following items: pedicures, unnecessary electronic devices, temporary gym memberships, and HOT PANTS. Oh, and that one time I bought those crazy strong magnets. Something in the description called out to me.
4. OMG Leah I met another teacher!
This one I find hilarious. It's kind of like when I went to UMass for one year. No, I do not know your friend Joe. Even if you knew his last name, I still would not know him. Even if I knew him, I would not remember him, because I was drunk, sleeping, or biking for hours on end. Yes. That was the year I biked a lot. Now my bike lives in my garage. Sometimes I hit it with my car.
Anyway, people tend to think that teachers are some sort of organized crime family in that we're all somehow related. This is not true. Not to mention, do you know where I teach? Why would I know your friend that teaches at a prep school or private university or after school SAT prep program 78 miles away?
At the end of the day, this one doesn't bug me, because I realize that it very easily could be true, like it is for Jews. Jews all know each other somehow. Correction: Jews all know my mother somehow. We could totally play Six Degrees of Jewish Separation sometime, but let's be honest: Apples to Apples Jewish Edition and Taboo Jewish Edition are way more fun. No I'm not kidding. Yes my Grandma DID kick my entire family's butt in Taboo Jew. I suck at Yiddish, unless it's an insult.
5. I just spent way too much money on boots and I need you to help me make the guilt go away.
This I can do. I can tell you stories of how I stayed up all night to get a pair of boots, or searched nine TJ Maxx stores until I found a pair of cowboy boots I had a dream about (at TJs in CLEVELAND no less). I can tell you about the time in college when I walked home from Allston to Beacon Hill every weekend for a month because I had no money for cab fare, because I spent it on black leather cowboy boots. I can tell you about how every time I go to the mall wearing boots, I hear a woman with an accent of some sort commenting on them from somewhere behind me, and soon after I hear her child say, "Wait, I know those boots... THAT'S MY TEACHER! YO MISS I RECOGNIZED YOUR BOOTS!"
Sidenote: This is why I drive to the Burlington Mall (or further) to buy underwear. Also so I can stop at my parents' house on the way back and HELL YEAH FREE FOOOOOOOOOOOD.
I digress. No matter how reckless your purchase was, I can help. Is someone telling you those boots won't match most of your clothes? I will tell that person to shut up, and then I will help you buy (reasonably priced) clothes that DO match. I can also help you budget so you can buy more boots.
Life is about priorities. And shoes.
Yes you can quote me on that.
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