Day One

Somehow, every year at around this time I find myself in the same place: a fat place.

Every year, regardless of how good or bad I look, I'm unhappy. The thing is, as far as I know (and to be truthful, I may not know as much as I think I know, given that I'm hardly an objective observer), every year it's a little bit worse. I think about past Junes, picture my figure, and say, "Wow, to think I thought THAT was fat." I reminisce about the various diets I've tried, some successful, some ridiculous. And I always wonder if it will ever end.

Last summer, I was complaining and a fellow lifeguard said, "Leah, you say you've been overweight for 5 years, and that you want to get back to your 'normal' weight? Five years is a long time. Maybe this is your new normal." It stung, cut like a knife, burned, whatever, insert all cliches denoting pain. But it really got me thinking... Is she right? What if I'm fighting a battle I can't win?

I've tried them all.

Atkins worked minimally, but was seriously unhealthy. Plus, being a vegetarian basically meant that I ate eggs and Greek salad for an entire summer, because the snack bar at the Boston Sports Club didn't sell anything else. Not a long-term plan.

South Beach worked, but I couldn't keep it up long-term.

Jenny Craig worked, but it didn't promote independence. They say you learn lessons that you can apply to your whole life diet-wise, but it's not true. Once you stop eating just Jenny meals, you're lost.

I also tried intense personal training and tons of protein. Worked, but hard to maintain.

I learned from all of them though. South Beach and Atkins taught me about how our bodies process fat, sugar, carbs, etc. Blood sugar, etc. Jenny taught me portion control, and personal training (James, I should say), taught me about the effect muscle has on the whole mix.

Now, though, I think I'm ready.

I think about what my friend said about my new normal, and I scream inside, because you know what? It's not my new normal. I am supposed to be slim. My body is built that way. I will never be skinny, because I have huge shoulders, and I'll always have lots of muscle, but I am not supposed to look like this.

I start tomorrow.

This did not turn out to be good writing. It was more like word vomit, that I had to get out of my brain.

That's okay.

XOXO_Mc