20 Reasons Why I Ignored You

Inspired by this post on Thought Catalog... I'm not saying I agree with everything on that list (I don't). But it did make me think about why I don't call men back, or stop calling them back, or break things off entirely... My list encompasses a bit more. I present to you:

20 Reasons Why I Ignored You, Dude. 

(all have happened at least once)

1. You just wanted me for sex (which is flattering, but no thanks). 
2. I wasn't attracted to you. 
3. You were sending mixed messages and I was tired of trying to decode them. 
4. You are the kind of person who doesn't know how to work hard for anything. 
5. You talked shit to me about my vegetarianism. I don't care if you're not one, but let's just agree to disagree. If we can't eat the same entrees, we can at least meet halfway at the dessert portion of the meal. Or not, since you spent the entire dinner complaining about my entree choice. 
6. No fizz factor. Fizz factor = You know that feeling you get when you drink too much over-carbonated soda? That's the way I feel when I'm attracted to someone, except it's kind of an all-over feeling. If I never once thought about kissing you... Sorry dude. 
7. You're a lot smaller than me. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm a former fat girl. I have a complex. I can't be the bigger one in the relationship. It's not about height. It's about being petite. I'm sorry... I can't deal with it. 
8. I was working out. You might say, "Really? How long do you work out for? No way it was that long." Yes way. Sometimes I work out for most of the day. Deal with it. 
9. I had an awful day and I was sleeping it off like a bad night at the Hong Kong in Faneuil. Yes, I just compared recovering from a day teaching to recovering from a hangover. Deal with it. 
10. You insulted my profession, alluded to insulting my profession, or condescendingly remarked about my profession. 
11. You told me I was a terrible excuse for a human being because I hated The Catcher in the Rye.
12. I went incommunicado because my internet and 3g broke. 
13. You told me I should be jealous that you have a big boy job in the real world. 
14. You were mean to my little brother. 
15. You couldn't maintain eye contact with my father. He is deceptively scary, but really? 
16. You were anti-Semitic. 
17. You insulted my (mostly) healthy lifestyle. I am a couch potato very often, but I love being active. I value my health. And you kept making comments about how much time I was wasting while running. It was rude. 
18. You were a compulsive liar. 
19. You neglected to mention that your ex died TWO WEEKS AGO. 
20. You asked me to explain my highest level of math education and proceeded to judge me for not taking AB Calc in high school. 

The Baby Corn Experiment

All this talk of data at our professional development workshop today inspired me to tap into my inner scientist.


Objective: Dip baby corn in every sauce in my fridge on this day in time. Record results in 100% subjective, 0% quantifiable terms.

Awesome.

Results: 

Baby corn and...

peanut butter: unnecessary

soy sauce: excellent. salty. perfect blend of predictable and surprise. like paul rudd.

mustard: requires further analysis in combination with others (such as a tomato tortilla, cilantro, onions). potential as part of an award-winning ensemble cast (such as the cast of true blood, or the Mediterranean veggie wrap at Panera)

jelly: why don't I just eat the jelly with my fingers? I'll use my scientific reasoning skills to not even try that.I already know I won't like the combination, so I'll just avoid it. (like, ______ + kim kardashian = always sucks, so I run the other way and cover my ears whenever I hear her name)

bbq sauce: heavenly.subtle. multidimensional. Leonardo Dicaprio.

savory bbq sauce: weird, but not in a good way. like that guy who always plays axe murderers

italian dressing: quirky. like zooey deschanel.

ketchup: lazy. overly pensive. like zach braff's character in every movie he's ever been in ever.

mayo: awkward. like, jonah hill superbad awkward.


IN RELATED NEWS, when I googled "Steve Buscemi creepy" to find a horrifically creepy picture  of him to post above, I realized something. There's an entire subculture around photoshopping his eyes onto other people's faces. The most popular ones are Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian.

There's a patch:

And my personal favorite:

Be sure to check out http://chickswithstevebuscemeyes.tumblr.com

Acceptance Speech for Most Amazing Caprese Salad Ever

I just made the most amazing caprese salad in the history of caprese salads. I am having an out-of-body experience right now. The perfect union of white balsamic vinegar, fresh mozzarella, salt, tomatoes, and three (not one, not two, but three) kinds of basil. The flavor is dancing across my tongue.

I couldn't have done it alone. In no particular order, I would like to thank...

• The Market Basket in Chelsea, MA, for providing high-quality fresh mozzarella cheese at a sinfully low price. 
• Trader Joe's, for the perfect Kosher salt. 
• My mom: 
• for generously donating three kinds of basil from her garden
• for insisting that I take home some tomatoes freshly picked from Wilson Farms
• for raising me to have good taste, and appreciate good food
• for giving me white balsamic vinaigrette in an old salad dressing bottle, and labeling it with her perfect mommy handwriting
• for taking time out of her day to read this completely ridiculous blog that is mostly dedicated to her supreme and total awesomeness 
• The Kingdom of the Netherlands, for inventing Heineken beer, which goes perfectly with this meal. 

 XOXO- Leah