GIRLY COMMENTARY: New England Patriots @ Seattle Seahawks

I think when you watch football there should be a choice between regular commentary and girly commentary. -Tianna

Danny Woodhead is fun-sized.

Leah: Have you ever been a slutty football player for Halloween?
Tianna: I guess you could just ear no pants... Or tight short-shorts.
Leah: That would be only funny if you wore a helmet. I once went as a slutty hockey player to a theme party at UMass.

Bledsoe is a really cool last name. I wouldn't mind having that be my last name.

Leah: Seattle uniforms are not aesthetically pleasing.
Tianna: Really? I like the neon green.
Leah: NOT THE ARROWS.

Their shoes look like my racing flats.

I think if Wilfork sat on me I'd die. But possibly enjoy it.

Leah: Ass watch 2012... what's the nicest ass on both teams?
Stephen: They all look the same.
Tianna: No they don't!

Tianna: I don't think Tom Brady has the nicest ass on the team. Not by a long shot.
Ian: Belichik doesn't.
Stephen: He doesn't run enough.
Ian: He throws too much.
Stephen: Not too much, sinc that's like his only good quality.
Leah: I have no idea what any of this means.

Leah: Can that be a theme party we'd do?
Tianna: Slutty sports?
Ian: Does that mean I get to wear a jockstrap on the outside of my pants?
Tianna: WEIRD.
Leah: Yes.
Tianna: I'll be a ref and blow that whistle.
Tiana and Leah: CAN YOU BLOW MY WHISTLE BABY WHISTLE BABY...

The Patriots' head coach has ahd that same face since 1990.
That's unfortunate.
He's also a genius.
Genius or not, he's going to need some plastic surgery to fix that scowl.
And jowl.

I don't understand football commercials. Hot black man running. Meatballs. What?
That's RG3.

Tianna: He's balding on top.
Ian: Starting to
Tianna: Look at that. I can see it.
Ian: That's what happens when you have a supermodel for a wife.
Tianna: She's preggers.
Ian: Is she?
Tianna: She's gonna have that baby any day now We think it's a girl.
Ian: Good move!!!

Tianna: Remember when he had really long hair?
Ian: Remember when he was with Bridget Moynahan?
Leah: Remember when I hated her in real life because in fictional Sex and the City life she stole Mr. Big from Carrie?
Tianna: I never liked her that much.
Leah: I finally don't hate her because she's so good on Blue Bloods. She finally escaped my typecast hatred.
Ian: See, the only reason I would have to watch that show would be Tom Selleck. Which is, I know, the reason you watch that show.
Leah: OMG I want his mustache on my body.

Tianna: I think Tom Brady is too skinny. I like a big dude.
Leah: Me too.
Ian: I have no comment.

Tianna: I love the man love that goes on after the game.
Leah: You should move here and join our gym. That's the kind of love that goes on in boxing class except it's girls and we're WAY MORE INSANE.

Tianna: Gronkowski might have the best ass on the team.
Ian: He also has four brothers.
Tianna: Oh really?
Leah: Excellent.
Ian: And they save all their money rather than spend it.
Tianna: Good to know.
Ian: And you have to deal with the fact that they're all from Buffalo.
Tianna: Whatever. Not my concern.

20 Reasons Why I Ignored You

Inspired by this post on Thought Catalog... I'm not saying I agree with everything on that list (I don't). But it did make me think about why I don't call men back, or stop calling them back, or break things off entirely... My list encompasses a bit more. I present to you:

20 Reasons Why I Ignored You, Dude. 

(all have happened at least once)

1. You just wanted me for sex (which is flattering, but no thanks). 
2. I wasn't attracted to you. 
3. You were sending mixed messages and I was tired of trying to decode them. 
4. You are the kind of person who doesn't know how to work hard for anything. 
5. You talked shit to me about my vegetarianism. I don't care if you're not one, but let's just agree to disagree. If we can't eat the same entrees, we can at least meet halfway at the dessert portion of the meal. Or not, since you spent the entire dinner complaining about my entree choice. 
6. No fizz factor. Fizz factor = You know that feeling you get when you drink too much over-carbonated soda? That's the way I feel when I'm attracted to someone, except it's kind of an all-over feeling. If I never once thought about kissing you... Sorry dude. 
7. You're a lot smaller than me. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm a former fat girl. I have a complex. I can't be the bigger one in the relationship. It's not about height. It's about being petite. I'm sorry... I can't deal with it. 
8. I was working out. You might say, "Really? How long do you work out for? No way it was that long." Yes way. Sometimes I work out for most of the day. Deal with it. 
9. I had an awful day and I was sleeping it off like a bad night at the Hong Kong in Faneuil. Yes, I just compared recovering from a day teaching to recovering from a hangover. Deal with it. 
10. You insulted my profession, alluded to insulting my profession, or condescendingly remarked about my profession. 
11. You told me I was a terrible excuse for a human being because I hated The Catcher in the Rye.
12. I went incommunicado because my internet and 3g broke. 
13. You told me I should be jealous that you have a big boy job in the real world. 
14. You were mean to my little brother. 
15. You couldn't maintain eye contact with my father. He is deceptively scary, but really? 
16. You were anti-Semitic. 
17. You insulted my (mostly) healthy lifestyle. I am a couch potato very often, but I love being active. I value my health. And you kept making comments about how much time I was wasting while running. It was rude. 
18. You were a compulsive liar. 
19. You neglected to mention that your ex died TWO WEEKS AGO. 
20. You asked me to explain my highest level of math education and proceeded to judge me for not taking AB Calc in high school.