Dear Unfolded Pile of Clean Laundry,

Don't look at me like that. I know. It's been two days, and you're angry. Help me, you're thinking, get me out of the jumbled, wrinkly messy situation in these God-awful, loud crinkling blue Ikea bags. Fold me. Crease me. Put me away in the correct locations so I can finally get some peace.

I never set out to hurt you, clean laundry. I didn't haul you home from the laundromat Sunday night with the intention of ignoring you. But soon after your reentry into my apartment, I realized that life had other plans for me, as it so often does. Life had other plans for me in general, because suddenly, all four seasons of Mad Men were available on Netflix Instant.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Hear that? That's all the productivity I had planned for this week. That's all the unit planning, mentor text-reading, running, boxing, tanning, cooking, stretching, cleaning, and doctor's appointment-scheduling I wanted to do this week exploding into the nothingness that awaits once a show like Mad Men becomes instantly available via the internet.

I think I've stayed away from Mad Men this long in a misguided attempt to rebel against my parents. My parents both have doctorates in marketing. My mother used to be a professor. My father IS a professor (GO TO BU. GET YOUR MBA. LET ME COME WITH YOU TO MY DAD'S CLASS). Growing up in my house, we were only allowed to go to the bathroom during the Superbowl, because it was unheard of to miss the commercials. No "goo goo gaa gaa," in our house. It was more like, "Wazababyyy... can you say 'marketing ploy?'"

I spent most of my life trying to run in the opposite direction from my parents. It began when I realized that, despite both being "Dr. Wyner," neither of them owned a stethoscope. I'd like to think that at the ripe old age of 3, I said to myself, "What's the furthest thing from being a doctor of marketing... A BALLERINA! I'LL DO THAT!" when in reality I probably began dancing because I loved attention and I loved pink. 

I love my parents dearly, I do. They always encouraged me to find the right path for myself, and they never told me to follow in their footsteps. I know that I 100% invented the pressure I felt to be like them, but that doesn't change the fact that at the time, it felt real. When both of your parents are marketing geniuses, the LAST thing you want to do is go to a frat party and be noticed because the guy with the washboard abs just wrote a paper citing an article your father published in the Harvard Business Review. You want to be noticed because you're wearing a 40 dollar push-up bra that you purchased just for this fantastically low-cut shirt. Terrible return on investment, Victoria's Secret.

I AM SO FUNNY. Daddy, if you happen upon this blog post, I hope you're laughing, because you're the only one who will find that last sentence funny. Anyone else, ask me if you want to understand the joke.

I tried to watch Mad Men once before. The urge struck me on a rainy Sunday afternoon when I should've been planning lessons. Actually, I have no idea when it happened, but given my schedule for the past three years, it's a pretty safe bet. I couldn't get through the first episode I was so bored. I could see all the nuances, but they stuck out like those rods you buy to support flowers in the garden (the cheap ones, not the nice ones my mother buys, those don't stick out). It was as if big purple letters floated across the screen...

...NEW GUY TRIES TOO HARD...

...NEW GIRL WISELY PLAYS DUMB, DOESN'T SHOW HER HAND...

...IT'S THE 60S, SO THIS CHARACTER WILL STAY IN THE CLOSET UNTIL SWEEPS 6 SEASONS FROM NOW...

...LOOK AT OUR SUPER AUTHENTIC VODKA CONTAINERS! LOOK AT ALL OUR CAREFUL RESEARCH...

I wasn't ready yet. It's kind of like yoga. I tried it at age 18 and fell asleep I was so bored. Now I'm obsessed, because I'm old, jaded, stressed, anxious, overworked, underpaid, and exhausted and yoga makes it all better.

So laundry, I'm pretty sure you're staying put. I know my drawers are calling out to you in their glorious near-empty state, but you will have to wait, because right now, I have a fever, and the only prescription is  :

sexism

racism

materialism

adultery

lying

media manipulation

double entendres

vodka

smoke

(in other words... MAD MEN)

Don't hate me. I'll fold you tomorrow.

Maybe.

Probably.

Okay, probably not.

XOXO-Leah

Things that DON'T happen in real life.. but seem to happen all the time on TV and in the movies

Masquerade balls. 

It's such a cheap shot. Oh, hey, I have a bunch of characters. They have all types of feelings for each other. Some are unrequited, tragically. Some are seen as socially unacceptable, either by society as a whole, or by the set group of people. Brilliant! Let's put tiny masks on them, spike the punch, and watch them make bad decisions. In theory it works, but there are too many inconsistencies for me to sufficiently suspend my disbelief. 


Known, documented issues with masquerade balls: 

1. Masks that cover barely half the face don't fool anybody. Actually, masks in general don't fool anybody. I know it's creepy, but if you were shown photographs of all the people you knew and saw on a regular basis, you could figure them out by their bodies and clothes. No one wants to admit to being that aware of other people's body parts, but face it, we all are. 
2. Humans, as a species, tend to take their clothes off and/or lose things while drinking. [[[Case in point: myself. You. All your friends.]]] So, at an actual masquerade party, people would get drunk and take their masks off. Therefore making the entire charade pointless. 
3. Before you say that people wouldn't drink at a masquerade party, think about it: it's a masquerade party. 
4. Finally, in any population present at a party, there are always those people, THOSE AWFUL PEOPLE that don't wear costumes. You know them. They're the ones wearing the exact same thing they normally wear, those same horrifically uncreative ones who "go as themselves" for Halloween (NOTE: It is acceptable to do this if you show up at the party after 11 p.m., when people have already begun following rule 2, and cowboy hats and boas are draped over random people, furniture, and people passed out on furniture). Anyway, those people make everything weird because they don't show up in masks, and they ruin the whole concept. Which, as I've stated, is built on flimsy logic to begin with. 

People get injured, get back up, and are miraculously unscathed the next day. 

Several weeks ago I fell down a flight of stairs. It sucked. I had a few drinks in me, but I was sober enough to feel every iota of pain. It was awful. I had to plan my lessons with whole blocks of dialogue, in case my lip (which I bit through) was still too swollen for me to talk (and students would read it off). For two weeks, I looked like an abuse victim. Bruises, huge and yellow, covered me. I couldn't bend down or kneel for a month. Yet people in TV and movies seem to get the crap kicked out of them and bounce right back. It makes me have more respect for Buffy, because at least, on that show, they address it. They literally say, several times, that she has accelerated strength and healing powers. 

No one's roots grow out on TV. 

This does not really require much explanation, but it brings up something that's just generally unfair about life: When you don't dye your hair, it takes FOREVER to grow. When you dye it, even slightly, the roots show up almost immediately. On TV, this never happens. 

Women wear loads of makeup and somehow don't look like prostitutes. 

I was watching Pretty Little Liars the other day (because yes, I watch that show. Partially to have some common ground with my students, but also because I genuinely like it). All of the main characters are loaded with makeup. The thing that I don't get is, they look fine. You know how you can wear makeup to make yourself look like you're not wearing any? It's like that, multiplied by eleven. What kills me is that if I (or any woman) wore that kind of makeup during the day (or even at night), I'd look ridiculous. I'd look like a trying-too-hard-hooker. Yet these girls (21-year-olds playing 16-year-olds, obviously), look pretty. I'm sure it's some combination of lighting and camera work. In fact, I know it is. I remember vividly how much more makeup I had to put on when going onstage. But it's just another inconsistency that bothers me. 

Sookie Stackhouse epiphany

SPOILER: I've watched seasons 1, 2, and 3 of True Blood and read the first 8 books. Be warned.

I had an epiphany.

I'm on the ninth book of the Southern Vampire Mysteries series. Which is to say I am currently debating purchasing it, because although my lovely cousin sent me the first eight, I am having a panic attack that I do not have immediate access to all published Sookie material. However, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the difference between the books and the series, and I figured it out.

There are basically two types of POV- first person (I) and third person (she/he). Within third person, there are additional divisions based on which character(s) tell the story, and how much they know versus how much the reader knows. I won't get into it. But I do love the word omniscient. Anyway, I am an avid lover of story, be it in book, short story, movie, or television form. I love getting lost in flawed characters and complicated storylines. This is not the first time I've devoted a serious amount of thought to the difference between books and TV shows/movies. I even took "Novel into Film" at the castle, which had the potential to be a great class, except our crazy Belgian professor sucked. But he was beautiful to look at. I just didn't see much value in watching multiple versions of the Maltese Falcon. I also don't remember doing much actual comparison, concretely, of books versus movies. That doesn't mean it didn't happen. I was living in the Netherlands. It's possible that school was not my number 1 concern. Although actually, that's a lie. I adored my other classes. But the most useful thing I remember was our discussion of the Remains of the Day, and how although both versions were beautiful, the movie paled in comparison to the book.

In any event, I've been scanning True Blood versus Southern Vampire Mysteries forums and it hit me, almost embarrassing in its simplicity. All the changes made when the books were adapted into True Blood happened because the books are first person, and the show is in third person.

Think about it.

In a first person narrative, we're entirely in the narrator's head. We see, hear, think as she sees, hears and thinks. That provides us with a deep understanding of her and her world because the perspective acts almost as a running commentary. We only see other characters through the lens of her description. We only witness events as they happen to her. But in a TV show or movie, that's impossible. I'm sure it's been attempted, or somehow done in some way, but it's still not the same. The closest thing I can think of is Sex and the City. Carrie is in almost every scene. Grey's Anatomy is the  opposite: an ensemble cast.

I imagine that making the transition from first person book to third person TV show must leave a lot of empty space. Which is why they made all the changes. We can't very well have Anna Paquin narrate the entire show in a voiceover, so they had to beef up the other characters. And, in Jessica's case, create new ones.

Think about it. Every change (almost) can be explained by this theory.

1. In SVM, Eric kills Longshadow, but on TB Bill kills him. That way, he can be punished by the magistrate, and forced to create a new vamp, Jessica. More characters, more Bill. 
2. In SVM, Tara's alcoholic crazy mom was a thing of her childhood and she only occasionally appears. On TB, that's all current. More focus on an existing character. More drama. 
3. In SVM, Sam has a fairly simple backstory. On TB, his crazy pants shifter family takes up half of the third season. More Sam. Less Sookie. 
4. Lafayette is explained I think by how awesome he was, and how they wanted to keep him on the show. As for that random guy in his mother's nursing home that he hooks up with, the Wiccan, that all goes back to giving him a story if they wanted to keep him there. 
5. Eric is fantastic. Many people seem upset by his adaptation into the small screen, but I think he's brilliant. Although I did notice, the further along we get, the bigger they try to make him (physically, and storyline-wise). There is a moment in the second season when you realize, Holy Shit, Alexander Skarsgard is like 6'6. 

I won't go through every nuance, but you get the point. All of the changes, well, most of them, seem to be creating bigger, more complex characters to fill in the space left when you take away Sookie's first person narration. I'm happy. Satisfied. 

I also just found out who's playing the witch Hallow in the fourth season, from which I infer that Eric will be cursed and he will get together with Sookie. YES. 

Final notes: 

• The more I read of the books, the more amazing I think Anna Paquin is for portraying Sookie so amazingly. Think about it. The actress is a tiny, pale brunette. 
• I love Eric. Team Eric. 
• I hope the bookstore is still opened. 

XO

Wife Swap

I just watched an episode of Wife Swap and I loved it. 

For those of you who may not know, I'm not a big reality TV person. By that I mean I detest it, for the most part. I can't seem to turn it off when it IS on, but since I no longer have cable, I haven't had a problem avoiding it. Now, however, I'm sick in a hotel and I don't know the Pittsburgh channel lineup. And, as usual, when I saw it, I couldn't turn it off. This had the added draw of involving two drastically different sets of teenage girls: ones who had no freedom, and ones who were wildly out of control. 

It was just a great story. The parents who were too lax and gave their kids too much freedom against the parents who essentially jailed their kids, complete with no friends and video surveillance. 

It made me wonder: How, as a parent, do you balance? You want your kids to respect you, but they need the freedom to make their own decisions, including their own mistakes. I don't know how I'll be able to do it.